On the lighter side..."A cheerful heart is the health of the body."* *Proverbs 17:22 Do you have a joke or a first person humorous story that you would feel comfortable telling your grandmother? E-mail it to us at firstname.lastname@example.org Go to bottom of this page for a listing of books on humor available at our on-line bookstore, Amazon.com..
© 1999 Spider Webb
The farmer decided his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, I'm fine!?" The farmer responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I'm fine!?"
The farmer said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." The judge, raised on a farm, was curious. "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie. Please proceed," he instructed the farmer.
"Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into a ditch on one side of the road and Bessie was thrown into one on the other side. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. "However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He too heard Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling?"
A young boy was standing in the vestibule of the church in front of a plaque, wondering what it was. As the priest walked by, the boy asked, "Father, what are these brown things on the wall?"
"Those are bronze plaques honoring members of this church who died in the service," he replied.
"In the Service?" he asked nervously. "Which one would that be? The nine oclock or the eleven?"
Sister was having a problem with some girls in Junior High who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the restroom, they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. She spoke to the teachers who talked to the girls and even called a few of the girls mothers who were her friends for their advice, but whatever she tried to stop the practice was of no avail. The mirrors were constantly a mess.
Finally she thought of a way to stop it. She gathered together in the restroom all the girls who wore lipstick. She lectured them about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. She could see the young girls smiling at each other, all nodding publicly but smirking to one another at the same time. Then she asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into a toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
A man used to grumble at nearly everything but especially the food his wife placed before him at meal time. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." "And does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
"Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. Innocently, she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which does God believewhat we say or what we pray?"
1. How did Goldilocks know that an elephant was sleeping in her bed rather than a bear? She noticed the peanut shells.
2. What is a prizefighters favorite drink? Punch.
3. What do you get when two strawberries meet? A strawberry shake
4. Why are Egyptian children good children? Because they respect their mummies.
5. Why was the invisible mother upset with her invisible child? Because he was always appearing.
6. Which hand should you use to stir tea? Neither. It is better to use a spoon.
7. What is small, purple and dangerous? A grape with an Uzi.
8. How do you make Mexican chili? Take him to the North Pole.
9. What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
10. Why couldnt anyone play cards on the ark? It was crowded so Noah sat on the deck.
There are groaners galore in the Biggest Riddle Book in the World (1976--$5.95) by Joseph Rosenbloom available in our on-line book store Amazon.com by clicking on the blue. We also recommend A Treasury of Mom, Pop, & Kids' Humor (1997--$12.95) Edited by James E. Myers or 1001 Great Jokes (1992--$4.79) by Jeff Revin
Read other articles in the January 1999 edition of the San Francisco Charismatics or return to the Main Menu by clicking on the blue. © 1999, The San Francisco Charismatics (ISSN 1098-4046). Member of the Catholic Press Association of the United States and Canada. All rights reserved.